


Beautiful Let Down

by DarkDanc3r



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Hamilton
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 21:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkDanc3r/pseuds/DarkDanc3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death, vampire politics, lycanthrope politics... they're all easier than love. A stream-of-conscious story from some nebulous point in the Anita Blake universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautiful Let Down

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amanda-r](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=amanda-r).



Executioner. Bolverk. Federal Marshal. Nimir-Ra. Animator. Human Servant of the St. Louis Master of the City.

Anita Blake wears many titles, and she wears them well. Mostly. The one title I want to give her, though, I"ll never be able to.

Mine.

She never will be. Not really. She is Micah's, she is Jean-Claude's, she is Richard's - even when they hate each other for what they are and what they've become, she is Richard's. But she's not mine, not the way I want her to be; not the way I thought she'd be when things began.

Anita has told me so many times that lycanthrope politics are confusing, but easier than love. Vampire politics are easier than love. I wish I could make her see that love is easy too, if you're willing to let yourself love.

She isn't. I don't know why. Every other fear she has she faces head on, but this one she runs from.

I wish she wouldn't run from me. I'm thrilled that she loves me, elated when she actually shows it, but I don't really expect that too often.

All right, I do, but I know better than to tell her that. I tried telling her, early on, and she bolted faster than a ghoul runs from fire. Even the idea of what I really want - really need - from her is enough to make her turn from me.

The thing is, I thought she'd appreciate what I had to offer. Someone to be absolutely in control of. No worries that she wasn't doing something right, or living up to someone's expectations. Someone that could take whatever she wanted and needed to give out, and do nothing but beg to please her.

I know, it sounds sick to most people. Beat me, hurt me; tell me you love me and I'll rip my heart out if you ask.

It's not sick. That's the worst of it. I admit, I'm a little worse about it than some of the submissives out there, but I'm not as far gone as people think.

That event at Narcissus in Chains? I'll admit, that was stupid. Really stupid. I nearly got my Nimir-Ra, my Anita, killed. But what I can't tell her is that I was imagining it was her. Deep down I knew she wouldn't hurt me like that, but it was so easy to imagine Anita's hands on my flesh, her voice in my ears below every scream they - she - drew from me.

Anita doesn't need to know that, though. It's hard enough to get her to touch me, if she knew that she'd probably stop.

She's better about it, now. Nails, teeth. Sometimes I can get that from her, but I can't convince her to take over. To just tell me what she wants so that I can give it to her. She needs someone to take care of her, because she's so busy taking care of all of us, but she won't let me.

I have run of the house, the kitchen is mine; Anita's not much for cooking on her own, and I can at least give her good meals, and make coffee, and all of the little things - the domestic things - that she needs. Most days, it's enough to make sure she eats, and gets at least a little sleep, but that's not everything she needs, even if she won't admit it. Even with the _ardeur_ riding her, she won't admit it. She has to control the _ardeur_, and that means controlling herself, not me. Not anybody.

I am Anita's _Pomme de Sang_, as Jason is Jean-Claude's, but it doesn't work the same for me as it does for Jason. If Anita needed blood more, perhaps, I'd get what we both need, but she doesn't. Jean-Claude is the vampire, Anita isn't, no matter what strange abilities she shows. And she is weird, weird for a lycanthrope, for a vampire, for a necromancer. She's not normal, but she keeps expecting things to work normally and there's nothing I can do to make things easier for her. So easy to feed the lust the _ardeur_ rises in her, but once she's fed she turns to Micah and I'm left to watch. It is a beautiful thing to watch my Nimir-Ra and Nimir-Raj together, but I still want my turn.

Greedy, I know. I want to kneel at Anita's feet and beg to please her, crouch over her body and worship it the way she deserves to be worshiped; I'm having to learn to be content with teeth and nails. I carry her marks, sometimes, but not the deep marks that come of being the full focus of someone.

I need to stop dwelling, I think, on something I'm never going to get. Becoming Anita's _Pomme de Sang_ was one of the greatest things I could have wished for. She trusts me to come to her bed, to give her what she needs without complaint. She depends on me, as much as she depends on anyone - not as much as she did when the _ardeur_ was new, but more than she depends on Cherry, or Zane, or even Richard.

In some ways, that makes me feel a little superior. Not often, and never very much... but I can give her something that Richard can't. Won't, actually. He's getting better about being Ulfric to the wolves, but his refusal to be 'one of the cattle' is part of the reason that he'll never be as strong as Anita is. She knows when to offer her own blood to make her people stronger. I'm as much predator as Richard is, even without being an alpha leopard, because I'm strong enough to give myself to Anita to make her stronger.

Becoming Anita's _Pomme de Sang_ has been more of a let down than I thought it would be. But such a beautiful let down. How could anyone really turn this away once they've had a taste of her power? A chance to be needed by the Executioner, one of the most powerful women in the vampire and lycanthrope circles. Even if something 'better' came up; a Dom that wanted me for me, or a chance to move to a higher position in another pard... I wouldn't take it.

I think I'll be okay here.


End file.
